


I forgive you (if that's what you need)

by Theoriginaltribrid



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-21 16:07:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15561465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theoriginaltribrid/pseuds/Theoriginaltribrid
Summary: After saving eden, Octavia thinks it's best to just end her misery.*Trigger warning* as suicidal thoughts are mentioned but not in detail.





	I forgive you (if that's what you need)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, it is my first fanfic. I hope you guys like it. Comments and kudos are really much appreciated.

 

 

> _"I don't need you to fight my battles,_
> 
> _I just need for you to be there_
> 
> _When my hands begin to tremble_
> 
> _And my voice breaks,_
> 
> _To help me steady my sword_
> 
> _And teach me how to roar._
> 
> _I am my own savoir,_
> 
> _You are just a companion."_

_Is it better this way. To just end it all as it is._

Octavia stood at the centre of the fighting pit, staring at the gun in her hand, intently. They had saved eden from annihilation and had established peace to share the valley, but at what cost.

Octavia had lost the one thing, she could not retrieve, her sanity.

The brunette had left the valley as night fell and the darkness veiled her escape. She returned to the one place that harboured ghosts, the very ghosts that haunt her during the day and at night.

The place she thought was an ideal fit where she would end it all.

She scoffed. It just seemed silly to her, of how much effort she put to get out of this hell. To wander far away so that these ghosts could never catch her. Heck, she even burnt the hydrofarm for the same reason, to leave the past in the dust.

As she raised the gun to her head, she saw a figure approach her. Out of instinct, she pointed the menacing device at the intruder.

"Stop right there." Octavia screamed, finger hovering over the trigger.

The figure approached her, hands raised in surrender.

"Calm down, Octavia, it's just me."

"Clarke!" The brunette breathed, annoyance noticeable in her voice.

_Why can't people just let me be._

"What are you doing here? Doesn't sneaking down here in the middle of the night make it perfectly clear that I wanna be alone?" Octavia said, voice a little harsh to her own ears.

"I just wanted to make sure you weren't gonna do something stupid, and by the looks of it I was right to follow you here." The blonde answered.

Octavia couldn't help but notice that Clarke wore a concerned expression on her face. It seemed that expression had become a mask, never leaving the blonde's face, becoming her permanent skin.

"Just let me be Clarke. Just go." The hazel eyed woman replied with exasperation.

She was tired. Tired of trying, of fighting, of.. feeling. Guilt had made its nest in her and was spreading like a cancer that threatened to consume her, kill her from the inside and out.

"And why would I do that. I won't leave until you come with me."

_God Clarke's stubborn._

"To where..huh? To eden. The very place that serve as a home to people who hate me. Indra, Gaia, Monty, Bellamy, ...you" Octavia roared, letting the last words come as a choke, a poignant sob.

She tried her best to keep Wonkru alive and make sure the valley was theirs for the taking but in doing so, she lost her family, her brother.

Octavia closed her eyes in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. They burned hot at the back of her eyes but she refused to let them fall. It made her feel pathetic, to be this weak.

"I don't hate you." 

Octavia's eyes shot up. She replayed those lines in her head. Analyzing it for any trace of lie, but the sincerity in her voice was vivid.

"I ordered to execute you."

"And I let a bomb drop on you in TonDc. We're more alike than you think."

Octavia did her best to keep a stoic expression. But it wasn't working. Clarke knew where to shoot, and her arrows landed right on target.

_Shit_

Clarke understood the younger woman, her motives and how she felt.

The blonde really did try to hate, not to care for her, but hadn't she been in the same shoes for over a year. Hadn't she been burdened with the horrors she had to commit for 'her people', that even her own weight was more than her shoulders could carry.

And she did try to run, and she ran, for three months in the wilderness. Because it had become too much to bear. Because the constant reminder of the blood on her hands was slowly drowning her. It had become this ocean she was submerged in.

Suffocated by her own thoughts, Octavia did not notice the blonde approach her until Clarke's hand in her own startled her.

One hand intertwined and the other on the gun, Octavia stared at the blonde, and she did, slowly, find herself diving in the ocean blue.

"Come with me."

"What!!" It wasn't that Octavia did not hear it, but she just wanted to savour in the benefit of the doubt.

"Come with me." Clarke repeated, enthusiasm dripping from her voice."I am not the most popular person there. We could camp away from the others. Just you and me and Madi."

Octavia debated, considered the option to start a new beginning. But the guilt was too much. Each day felt heavier than the previous one. The constant feeling of the very air being sucked of her lungs was too much for the brunette.

Bloodreina was just a facade that she upheld for six years. It was a way Octavia feared her people into loyalty. She, however, was late to notice that this facade was destroying her too.

"I can't." It wasn't just an answer, it was a confession, a naked declaration.

Clarke pursed her lips, studying the brunette. She had seen Octavia bruised, hurt, lost, broken but never this.... empty.

"I can't, Clarke, okay!!" Octavia repeated, visibly frustrated. "I can't keep living, not anymore. I am not redeemable and I'm not worth it." The brunette tightened the grip on her gun, refusing to give in.

Clarke opened and closed her mouth a few times, as if carefully building the words and structuring them.

"Octavia," Clarke sighed, "everyone's redeemable. You think that killing yourself will make the lives of everyone you've hurt better then your wrong."

Octavia loosened her grip on the gun, which provoked Clarke to carry one.

"The path to your redemption will not be paved by sacrifice," the blonde said, looking Octavia straight in the eye, making sure she believed every word uttered. " it will be paved by forgiveness, earning forgiveness and learning to forgive yourself."

"I don't.. I don't know if I can do that." Octavia replied, taking in heavy shuddering breaths.

It wasn't just a reply, it was a cry for help and Clarke knew just how to answer that call.

"You can. Do you wanna know why?" Octavia nodded urging Clarke to continue.

"Because I forgive you"

A pause

Clarke waited, letting the words linger in the air.

To Octavia, it felt as if these were the very words her ears yearned to hear. For her, it felt like the first drop of rain in a land consumed by drought. It made something blossom in her, something she had not long felt. It felt as if a seed had been planted in the hole in her that had been reserved for pain and darkness, a seed threatening to grow in her, to plunge its root deep in her. A seed of something tasting oh so familiar yet so foreign.

 _"_ I forgive you," Clarke continued, eyes not leaving the brunette's, "I forgive you for the fact that you had to do commit unthinkable acts to keep your peaple alive, I forgive you for having to strike fear within Wonkru to keep it at peace and I forgive you," the blonde cupped the younger woman with one hand, rubbing her thumb against her soft cheek and with the other squeezed the brunette's gun deprived hand, "I forgive you that you were forced to uphold and become this.. this person that you are not."

None of them moved.

Octavia took a moment (a fairly large moment) to absorb it all.

 _Hope,_ she realized,  _it's called hope._

Unknowing to Clarke, the brunette started crying. It was only when her hand cupping Octavia's cheek started to feel wet and warm, she realized that her face was lined with wet lines. Clarke used her already intacted hand to wipe away some of the tears.

Suddenly, the gun started feeling heavy in the brunette's hand. Clarke noticed the sudden shiver in Octavia's attention, and put her hand on the gun, urging her to let it go.

And she did the exact thing. Quickly, she threw the gun far from her reach, desperate to get it as far away as she possibly can. Desperate, to overcome this last obstacle that had secured itself to be a resilient wall, blocking the road that carried her journey of life.

"Thank you" enveloping Clarke in a hug, Octavia repeated those words like a mantra. "Thank you,..Thank you."

Clarke rubbed her hand against Octavia's back, soothing the sobbing brunette. "It's okay." Clarke whispered, lips curving up to a small smile.

They stayed like that for a while, Octavia holding onto Clarke as if she's the one keeping her afloat (which was not entirely wrong), and the blonde let her cling to her as long as she wants, savouring in the moment.

Suddenly, a muffled sound started echoing near by.

"Clarke, it's Madi, pick up."

Both girls parted away, immediately missing the warmth they felt enveloped in one another. Their bodies fitted perfectly, like the last two pieces of a puzzle needed to make the picture whole.

Clarke walked to the place where she kept her bag, and hastily grabbed the radio.

"It's Clarke. What is it?"

Clarke looked from the corner of her eyes, and saw Octavia smiling back at her.

_God, she's beautiful._

"Thank, beca. Clarke we have a problem. Eden won't hold. We're all gonna die."


End file.
